


Laws of Aviation

by khameleoneight, theviolinbow



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Developing Mycroft Holmes/Greg Lestrade, Drinking, Drug Use, Established Sherlock Holmes/John Watson, Eventual Anthea/Molly Hooper, F/F, Humor, M/M, Minor Sebastian Moran/Jim Moriarty, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-18
Updated: 2017-10-04
Packaged: 2018-06-09 04:39:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 4,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6890575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/khameleoneight/pseuds/khameleoneight, https://archiveofourown.org/users/theviolinbow/pseuds/theviolinbow
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p><b>Molly</b><br/>Guys, I wanted this group to be fun</p><p><b>Sherlock</b><br/>i’m having a great time</p><p><b>John</b><br/>im fighting a bloody war and sherlock is implying that bees are gay</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 420 blaze it

_Molly Hooper created the group My Friends!! :D and added Sherlock Holmes, John Watson, Greg Lestrade and Mycroft Holmes_

**Molly**  
Hi guys!!! I thought it would be super fun for us to have a place where we can all chat! :P

_Mycroft Holmes has left the group_

**Sherlock**  
“:P”

**Greg**  
Haha this is great, Molly

_Sherlock Holmes added Mycroft Holmes_

**Mycroft**  
Free me.

 

_THURS 11:42 AM_

**Sherlock**  
why the fuck am i awake

**Mycroft**  
It is midday.

**Sherlock**  
did i fucking stutter

 

_THURS 12:04 PM_

**Sherlock**  
i’ve been in class for 4 whole minutes and Anderson is already wrong

**Molly**  
Oh, I had classes with him last year!

Why’s he in your class? I thought he was my age

**Sherlock**  
lmao no he’s in 4th year, he's just failing everything

**Greg**  
He's not that bad

**Sherlock**  
literally just die Graham

**Molly**  
Sherlock!!

**Greg**  
My name is RIGHT there

 

_FRI 4:20 AM_

**Sherlock**  
haha 420 blaze it

 

_FRI 6:43 AM_

**Greg**  
I can and will arrest you

**Sherlock**  
ooh officer ;)))

**John**  
im kinkshaming

why is this the first thing i see after getting a decent internet connection

_Mycroft Holmes has left the group_

_John Watson added Mycroft Holmes_

**John**  
if i have to deal with this then so do you

 

_FRI 9:50 AM_

**Molly**  
Guys, I wanted this group to be fun

**Sherlock**  
i’m having a great time

actually nvm Jim just walked into class

**Molly**  
OMG! I knew I forgot to add someone!!

**Sherlock**  
Molly nO

_Molly Hooper added Jim Moriarty_

**Jim**  
Molly yES

Did you miss me?


	2. gay as bees?

_SUN 8:27 PM_

**Jim**  
Soooo… what are ya’ll doing?

 **Sherlock**  
nothing

nobody wants you here

 **Molly**  
Be nice!!!

 **Sherlock**  
read 8:29 pm ✔️

 **Mycroft**  
/I/ don't want to be here.

Also, why can’t we use italics in text messages? It is 2016.

 **Molly**  
Guys, this is meant to be fun

Jim is my friend!

 **Jim**  
i’d like to think we're more than friends ;)

 **Molly**  
We went on 3 dates

And then you told me you were “gay as ****”

 **Sherlock**  
Bees?

 **Mycroft**  
Gay as bees?

 **Sherlock**  
#relatable

 **John**  
:/

im fighting a bloody war and sherlock is implying that bees are gay

 **Sherlock**  
trust me, i know bees

 **Jim**  
sounds like you know bees a little too well

 **Sherlock**  
According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way a bee should be able to fly.

Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the ground.

The bee, of course, flies anyway, because bees don't care what humans think is impossible.

 **Greg**  
That’s so poetic

 **Mycroft**  
DOn’t fukcigm quote Be e Movie at me

 **Greg**  
Nevermind

 **Sherlock**  
Why did you know what that was?  
    **Seen by:** Mycroft

 

_MON 12:21 PM_

**Sherlock**  
Jim

Jim where are you

the lecture started at 12

do you want me to take notes for you?

 

_MON 12:36 PM_

**Sherlock**  
fine

that's the first and last time i offer to do anything nice for you

 

_MON 12:58 PM_

**Jim**  
who needs notes when you're being fisted

 **Molly**  
AHHH WHAT

 **Sherlock**  
chill

 **Molly**  
So um.. you're definitely gay then?

 **Greg**  
A handful up your arse doesnt make you gay

Right?

 **Mycroft**  
A handful of what?

 **Sherlock**  
Bees?

 **Greg**  
*hand

 **Jim**  
STOP IT WITH THE BEES

(i am gay tho. super gay)

 **Sherlock**  
Super Gay™

anyway who did you even manage to trick into fisting you

 **Jim**  
my boyfriend?!!??¿?!

 **Sherlock**  
that sounds fake but ok

 **Jim**  
Sebastian is very real

he’s right here with me

 **Sherlock**  
prove it

send a picture

 **Jim**  
I can't

he is fucking me as we speak

 **Sherlock**  
so?

 **Jim**  
...fine

[IMG_463]

_Mycroft Holmes has left the group_


	3. this is cyberbullying

_TUES 2:44 PM_

**Sherlock**  
why does Anderson just love stating the obvious

“Clearly the victim was shot from behind, since the hole in their back is smaller”

:))))) thanks Phil

most of us learnt about entry wounds in first year, but you do you

Anderson in his final year exam: clearly the victim is injured because they’re bleeding

 **Jim**  
no texting in class, Sherlock

 **Sherlock**  
Listen fuckstick, i watched you type that from the other side of the room

 **Jim**  
don’t be mean

wouldn’t it be a shame

if someone

in particular

saw this ???

:)

 **Sherlock**  
try me, shortarse

_Jim Moriarty added Philip Anderson_

**Sherlock**  
I think you forget that I literally say these things to his face

oh hey Anderson

 **Molly**  
Hi Philip!

Welcome to… whatever this chat has become

 **Philip**  
Is this y your always on ur phones

 **Sherlock**  
*you’re

and that's enough from you

_Sherlock Holmes removed Philip Anderson from the group_

**Molly**  
Sherlock please

_Jim Moriarty added Philip Anderson_

**Sherlock**  
i am being forced to do something i don’t want to do

this is cyberbullying

 **Philip**  
being forced 2 talk to me. Is bullying?

 **Sherlock**  
you said it

 

_TUES 3:19 PM_

**Philip**  
BTW Molly I am in 4 th year but I'm 21

 **Sherlock**  
did u really just scroll back through this entire chat

nerd

 **Jim**  
says you

 **Sherlock**  
…

touché

 

_TUES 3:58 PM_

**Philip**  
I’m in 4th yr now bcause I skipped ahead in high school

 

_TUES 4:40 PM_

**John**  
good for you

 **Philip**  
And then I got a scholarship

 **Sherlock**  
not hard to do when you went to a school full of inbreds

_Philip Anderson has left the group_

**John**  
nice work

 **Sherlock**  
he was lowering the IQ of the entire chat

not that there's far for it to fall at this point

 **John**  
tru

 **Greg**  
:/

I know you don't think much of us, but your brother is in this chat and even you can't pretend he's an idiot

 **Sherlock**  
i can and i will

 **Molly**  
Mycroft isn't even here. He left, remember?

_Molly Hooper added Mycroft Holmes_

**Sherlock**  
molly why do u hate me

 **Mycroft**  
...Oh, joy


	4. what would u be doing if i was there with u ;)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the slight delay on this chapter, but hopefully it's worth the wait!

_FRI 7:32 PM_

**Jim**  
it's been a little quiet lately, where is everyone? xx

 **Greg**  
I've been busy with work, but now I'm hanging out with Molly

 **Molly**  
Yeah, I’m just at Greg’s :-)

 **Jim**  
what would u be doing if i was there with u ;)

 **Molly**  
*cries*

 **Jim**  
rude

 **Mycroft**  
And why was I not invited?

 **Sherlock**  
what the fuck, mycroft ???

 **Greg**  
I invite you out nearly every weekend and you've never said ye

 **Mycroft**  
I don't often say “ye”

 **Greg**  
Why do bad things happen to good people

 **Jim**  
story of my life

 **Sherlock**  
stfu Jim you are //literally// the worst person I know

_Jim Moriarty added Philip Anderson_

**Sherlock**  
ok good point

 **Philip**  
If this continues Im blocking all off you

 **Sherlock**  
im sure all “off” us won't mind

_Sherlock Holmes removed Philip Anderson from the group_

**Sherlock**  
so anyway..

Geoff, how would u feel if I was already in a cab on the way to ur house ?

 **Greg**  
I’d feel confused.. not only cos that's not my name, but also because I don't recall ever inviting you

 **Sherlock**  
i got weed

 **Greg**  
Sherlock I am literally a cop

 **Sherlock**  
& alcohol

 **Greg**  
The front door’s unlocked

 

_FRI 8:01 PM_

**Molly**  
Okay so Greg and I talked aaaand...

Why doesn't everyone just come round? It can be a party!

 **Greg**  
:D

 **Jim**  
sick

omw

 **Greg**  
Do you even know my address?

 **Jim**  
don't worry, it was easy to find

 **Greg**  
???

 **Mycroft**  
Does this include me?

 **Sherlock**  
no

 **Molly**  
Of course, Myc!

 **Mycroft**  
Nevermind, I don't want to come anymore.

 **Greg**  
I mean…

I want you here

 **Mycroft**  
I'll be there in 5.

 **John**  
not that anyone seems to care, but I obviously won't be there

 **Sherlock**  
don't worry, i’ll drink for u

 **John**  
thx babe

keep me updated on all the fun

you know, if you have time to think of those less fortunate

 **Jim**  
“less fortunate” says the man texting in an FB group chat

 **John**  
I am a SOLDIER in AFGHANISTAN

 **Sherlock**  
...technically ur a doctor

 **John**  
>_>

 **Sherlock**  
if you ever use that face again I’m breaking up with you

 **John**  
yeah that's fair


	5. save me, milky

_FRI 11:42 PM_

**Sherlock**  
heeyyyyyyyyyyy

sorry we forgt to keep u upsated

upstated

outdated

fuck

 **John**  
haha having fun then?

 **Mycroft**  
last time i was drunk i took three dicks at once

 **John**  
NEVERMIND I DONT WANT UPDATES ANYMOR E

 

_SAT 12:02 AM_

**Mycroft**  
WHo the FICK had my phome?

 **Jim**  
*finger guns*

 **Sherlock**  
rvryone cone tothe living room

were plying a gaaaaaamr !!!

 **Greg**  
Yes!

What game

 **Sherlock**  
FROOZEEN

 **John**  
what ?!

 **Sherlock**  
ypu know tge movie FROOZEEN

 **John**  
...the Disney movie Frozen? thats not a game Sherlock

 **Sherlock**  
it is!!! i foidn it on the Intenet

 **John**  
like a drinking game?

 **Greg**  
Looks that way

He's settinf up shots

Settinf

Nevermind

 **John**  
lol okay good luck

 

_SAT 2:58 AM_

**Mycroft**  
Froxen is a beaitful film

 **Sherlock**  
forb once , i agree with tou

 **John**  
lmao who’s the most pissed

 **Greg**  
Probably woulda been Jim but he went missing

 **John**  
rip jim

but like seriously where he go

 **Greg**  
He went to the loo nearly an hour ago and never came back

 **John**  
yep, rip

 **Molly**  
LOL maybe he's dead

 **Greg**  
Probably

 **Sherlock**  
Im need to piss so ull chek on him

 

_SAT 3:20 AM_

**Molly**  
Aaaaaand now Sherlock is missing

 **Mycroft**  
The bsthroom claims anither rvictim

 **Sherlock**  
tbg

jim has been sobbing in tbeh bathtub

 **Greg**  
I didn't hear the water running

 **Sherlock**  
nononinonobono hes fully clothed

thers no water

except his tears

I was nust tryifg to have a nice pisss and i herd sad noises from behinf the curtain

and now hes holding me hotsave

 **John**  
hostage?

 **Sherlock**  
ye g

 **Greg**  
How on earth John

 **John**  
i have a masters degree in drunk-speak, courtesy of my older sister

 **Sherlock**  
S O S

hes pettibg my hair and whsipering abot how pretty it is

I mean hes not wrong

but thus is gettig uncomfrtable

save me Hohn

 **John**  
i definitely would

if it weren't for the whole “on a different continent” thing

 **Sherlock**  
fuk u ur a shit botfrend

not really tho , i live u

 **John**  
i love you too

 **Sherlock**  
anywya

save me Milky

 **John**  
Milky?

 **Sherlock**  
Milky

Milky Mooper

ahshahahhaha get it? !!

MOOper


	6. oh jesus am i about to see a penis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> as a thank you to everyone who patiently waited for this update, we will be uploading a follow-up chapter (that partly explains Jim's last few texts) tomorrow!

_SAT 8:27 AM_

**Sherlock**  
jesus fuck why am i awake

 **John**  
it's lunchtime

wait

no

yeah why are you awake

 **Sherlock**  
idk but it feels like a mistake

 **John**  
how much do you remember of last night lol

 **Sherlock**  
only that i’m hilarious

_Sherlock changed Molly’s nickname to Milky Mooper_

**Sherlock**  
well,, goodnight

 **John**  
good “night”

drink some water xx

 

_SAT 1:33 PM_

**Greg**  
Did you seriously all just up and leave while I was asleep

 **Milky Mooper**  
Sorry, I had to feed my cat

 **Sherlock**  
i just hate your house

 **Greg**  
Great

Hey Sherlock, how did you do that thing?

 **Sherlock**  
what thing, exactly?

 **Greg**  
The name thing

What you did to Molly

 **Sherlock**  
ahh, yes

my good friend Milky

 **Milky Mooper**  
Yeah thanks for that, Shezza

 **John**  
shezza?

seriously?

 **Sherlock**  
yeh milky, wtf??

 **Milky Mooper**  
Don't you “wtf” me, I've heard you call yourself that on more than one occasion

_Milky Mooper changed Sherlock’s nickname to Shezza_

**Shezza**  
end the abuse

 **Greg**  
Yeah, that!

 **Shezza**  
look

u just…. click “nicknames”........

and then……. change it

 **Greg**  
There's no “nicknames” button

 **Shezza**  
...jesus ur old, Geeg

just click on the name of the chat and you'll find it

 **Greg**  
Geeg?

 **Shezza**  
shhhh

im still drunk

 

_SAT 2:05 PM_

_Greg changed his own nickname to Geeg_

**Geeg**  
Figured it out

 **Shezza**  
ur not funny

 

_SAT 2:26 PM_

**Jim**  
oh jesus am i about to see a penis

 **Shezza**  
hey that almost rhymed

 **Jim**  
im a fuckin poet

but srsly

what am i looking at right now

[IMG_493]

 **Milky Mooper**  
OH MY GOD

IS THAT GREG !?!

 **Jim**  
shhhh this is getting good

WAIT

nevermind this is fucking gross

i think he's crying

he's making such a mess

 **John**  
#sadwank ?

 **Jim**  
I don’t think Greg realised anyone else was here

aw heck it's ‘bout to happen !!!

 **Milky Mooper**  
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT

 **Jim**  
shh shh shh

how close can two straight men get

 **Milky Mooper**  
You told me you were gay.

 **Jim**  
what

wtf

no

i was talking about Greg

but i’m not actually sure about M OH GO D THWYRE COMI GN IN

SOMEOBE H ELP M E

ok

he's throwing up aGAIN

i’m going to make my escape

 **Shezza**  
???¿?


	7. chief whipper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~*~ welcome to The Greg & Mycroft Show ~*~

_Greg Lestrade requested to chat with you_

_You accepted Greg’s request_

_SAT 5:19 PM_

**Greg**  
Hey, did you get home alright?

**Mycroft**  
Ye

**Greg**  
Ahah good one

Did you end up going to work?

**Mycroft**  
I'm on my way now. Is it too late to turn back?

**Greg**  
You're hung

shit

*hungover

I hit send too early

Sorry

My point was.. you're hungover. How badly do you need to be there

What is it that you do, anyway?

**Mycroft**  
I occupy a minor position in the British Government.

**Greg**  
Ahaha what, top secret is it? ;)

**Mycroft**  
I’m the Parliamentary Secretary to the Treasury.

**Greg**  
I'm in Law Enforcement, just say you're Chief Whipper

**Mycroft**  
There is no correlation between your position in “Law Enforcement” and mine.

**Greg**  
Fuck You I know stuff

…That's kinky though

**Mycroft**  
In case you were wondering, I prefer to be on the receiving end of a whip.

**Greg**  
...

If this is Jim again I swear to God

**Mycroft**  
Forget what I said.

**Greg**  
Speaking of the pervert, do you have any idea what he was doing in the bathtub?

**Mycroft**  
Actually, the events I can recall of the last few hours are quite…

Messy.

**Greg**  
Here’s the gist of what happened:

I thought I was alone.

**Mycroft**  
This isn't a horror novel, Gregory.

**Greg**  
Little did I know there was a pervert in my bathtub, and another in my bed XD

**Mycroft**  
I'm not a pervert.

**Greg**  
I went to get changed and apparently the sight of me completely starkers was repulsive enough to make you vomit in your own lap

Pretty sure you woke up just as I was dropping my pants, FYI

After that, I helped you into my ensuite and tried to clean you up a bit

At which point you vomited once again and Jim decided to crawl out of my bathtub

Like a fuckin

spider

or some shit

I think he’d been watching us

And then he tried to sneak out, but we spotted him right as he stuck one leg out of the bath

Then he literally just withdrew the leg and slowly closed the shower curtain

Honestly I don't know if he's still in there and I’m too scared to check

**Mycroft**  
...I don't recall what triggered my…regurgitation, but I can assure you it was not your naked body, Greg.

I love your naked body

I mean

I feel absolutely NOTHING towards your naked body

**Greg**  
Uh, thanks?

**Mycroft**  
I apologise. I'm not my most eloquent when hungover.

**Greg**  
It's okay, I kinda like hungover Mycroft

**Mycroft**  
But you must allow me to buy you new linen, or at least repay you for ruining it.

**Greg**  
I don't want new linen

But there is a way you could repay me

**Mycroft**  
What did you have in mind?

**Greg**  
Let’s have dinner

**Mycroft**  
If you insist.

**Greg**  
I can’t wait :)

For the record, I quite like sober Mycroft, too


	8. my brother’s a sugar daddy

_SAT 5:42 PM_

_Mycroft Holmes added Anthea_

**Shezza**  
Mycroft wtf don't add randoms

 **Anthea**  
we’ve met so many times dude

but im here bc mycroft is soooo hungover

i’ve never seen him cry before

and he’s been muttering about some group chat for the last week so i added myself so i could check out this mess

 **Milky Mooper**  
This chat is not at all what I intended it to be

 **Anthea**  
who the shit is milky mooper

 **Milky Mooper**  
Oh, yeah

Hi my name is Molly

 **Anthea**  
you can call me anthea

 **Shezza**  
ah, so that's your latest top secret code name

 **Anthea**  
youre one to talk

_Anthea changed Shezza’s nickname to William_

**William**  
why William?

I don't know anyone called William

who is William

 **Jim**  
hang on

is your name

actually

William

 **William**  
N O

 **Anthea**  
your government files say differently

does mark zuckerberg know ur lying

 **William**  
don’t pull this shit

you’re as bad as I am

 **Anthea**  
u dont know that my real name isnt anthea

 **William**  
YOU DON’T EVEN HAVE A SURNAME

 **Jim**  
calm down, billy

 **William**  
blocked  & reported

 **Jim**  
i’m reporting you for using a fake name

 **William**  
two wrongs don't make a right, James

 **John**  
sorry but who actually are you anthea

 **William**  
she's mycroft’s PA

why he thinks he's important enough to need one is beyond me

but that's none of my business

 **Jim**  
maybe he doesn't need one

he wants one

 **Milky Mooper**  
What…

What are you even implying?

 **Jim**  
;)

 **William**  
i can't believe my brother’s a sugar daddy

_John changed Mycroft’s nickname to Daddy_

**William**  
i’ve made a terrible mistake

we call our father daddy

 **John**  
you shouldnt be calling anybody daddy

 **Jim**  
anybody /else/

am i right, john

;)))))

 **Anthea**  
u all disgust me

 **Milky Mooper**  
I’m sorry about them

 **Anthea**  
its not even the sugar daddy thing honestly

its the fact that u all think im straight

i need to up my game

 **Jim**  
your gaym?

 **Anthea**  
shit

how did i miss a perfect pun opportunity

but speaking of my sugar daddy: i literally organise his life, what do ya’ll wanna know

 **John**  
I, for one, would love to know how Mycroft can recognise Bee Movie quotes at lightning speed

 **Anthea**  
that ones easy, actually

he does nothing but work and spend time with his family

 **John**  
i know nothing about Mycroft Holmes but i know for a fact he hates his family

 **Anthea**  
i should have specified, i meant his niece and nephew

all he does is binge watch kids movies with them

 **Geeg**  
UMMMMMMMM

NIECE AND NEPHEW

SHERLOCK???

 **William**  
they have names, you know

Cedric and Adelia Holmes

thank you very much

 **Anthea**  
no one else wants to hang out with him

theyre like 6 so they don't have much say in the matter

 **William**  
in a couple of years, they too will be asking not to spend time with him

and then he’ll have no one

 **Daddy**  
I have just woken up from attempting to sleep off my hangover and I am disappointed in every single person here.

 **Jim**  
ahh, sounds just like something my real father would say to me

 **Geeg**  
Excuse Me

Can we just backtrack here

Are you telling me

That a gay 23 year old uni student has not one but TWO young children

 **John**  
greg

what do you think 17 year old sherlock was doing with his time

 **Jim**  
having sex with women, clearly

which is hilarious, btw

 **William**  
i’m not Mycroft’s only brother, you know

 **Geeg**  
THERES ANOTHER ONE?!??


	9. i get high, not fat

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so if you're as dead as we are after TLD then hopefully this chapter will make everything better (or at least get you through til TFP)
> 
> good luck heading into the last episode!! we should have chapter 10 up soon, it's one we've been waiting to write for a while now!

_SUN 8:58 PM_

**William**  
i loooooooooove ginger nuts

 **Daddy**  
Same.

 **Geeg**  
Are you high again?

 **William**  
high on life!!

 **Geeg**  
You know I can take that shit off of you?

 **Daddy**  
Believe me, I’ve tried.

 **William**  
its only weed

 **Jim**  
the Devil’s Lettuce™

 **William**  
you literally grow weed in your flat

...wait

does that make you...

_William changed Jim’s nickname to The Devil_

**The Devil**  
I approve

but you don't buy yours from me anymore

 **Daddy**  
Who is your new supplier?

 **William**  
NO ONE

 **Daddy**  
I don’t mind, Sherlock, I’d just like to know.

 **William**  
well it’s none of your business

at least my addiction is better than yours

I get high, not fat

 **Daddy**  
Stop this.

You are acting like a twelve year old.

 **William**  
I know you are, but what am I?

why are you even here??

why do you even have facebook, it's not like you have any fur ends

 **Daddy**  
I beg your pardon?

 **William**  
**friends

 **Geeg**  
He has friends!

He’s friends with everyone in this chat

 

_SUN 9:18 PM_

**Daddy**  
Did you really just…

Are you kidding me?

 **Geeg**  
What?

 **Daddy**  
My little brother just unfriended me.

 **William**  
now your only real friends are Anthea, Alicia and Mummy

 **Daddy**  
Sherrinford is on there, too.

 **Geeg**  
Sherrinford??

Wait

Is that your brother!?

 **The Devil**  
[IMG_512]

this him?

 **Geeg**  
How did you find his profile so fast?

 **The Devil**  
how many Sherrinford Holmes’ do you think there are

on an unrelated note: do your parents hate all 3 of you?

 **Geeg**  
Yeah, how the hell did you end up with the name Will

 **William**  
Mummy chose it

bc I’m her favourite

 **Daddy**  
But would you still be her favourite if she knew about the drugs?

 **William**  
would you relax, it’s just from Mrs H

 **Daddy**  
You mean your landlady?

The woman whom I pay your rent to?

 **William**  
that’s the one

don’t worry, she has it for “medicinal” purposes

 **Milky Mooper**  
She seemed like such a sweet lady

 **William**  
you can still be a nice person and sell drugs

jesus Molly

 **Geeg**  
I still can't believe you have a secret brother

 **Daddy**  
We have a secret sister, too.


	10. the devil added mary morstan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the boys are back  
> hey, the boys are back
> 
> hopefully this eases some of the pain that S4 brought upon us all

_THU 4:35 AM_

**William**  
um

so

john

who’s this mary morstan

huh ???

 **John**  
shes a friend from med school?

 **William**  
mmmkay

she's a ““friend”” who has been liking and commenting on an awful lot of your facebook posts

[IMG_392]

 **John**  
is that my profile picture from 2008

 **William**  
yes, and as you can see, she has liked it

 **John**  
and you havent.

 **William**  
thats besides the point

we weren't even friends in 2008

 **John**  
yet youve scrolled back that far

 **William**  
this is not about me, it's about Mary

based on her online interactions with you, I have come to the conclusion that she likes you

like-likes you

 **John**  
yeah, and?

im pretty sure she doesnt

but if she did, its not as if i like her back

 **William**  
oh my gOD

 **John**  
hang on

sherlock

mate

isnt it like 4am in the uk

why are you stalking my facebook AND marys at 4am

 **William**  
irrelevant

 **The Devil**  
can yall go the fuck to sleep

 **John**  
its 7am here

 **The Devil**  
i know what i said

 **William**  
but seriously, she’s definitely interested

 **John**  
weve been friends for years, i think i would have noticed

 **William**  
so were we.

and look at us now.

 **The Devil**  
why don’t we just fucking ask her so we can all go back to sleep

_The Devil added Mary Morstan_

**William**  
she's obviously not going to be awake, idiot

 **The Devil**  
perfect, then we can all Go To Bed

 

_THU 9:14 AM_

**Daddy**  
“The evil queens are the princesses that were never saved.”

Quotes from my six year old niece.

 **William**  
or just quotes from u

 **Mary**  
Haha, who the fuck is Daddy?

 **Daddy**  
Excuse me?

Oh.

That’s me. Hello.

 **The Devil**  
well well, if it isn't John’s girlfriend, we’ve heard so much about you

 **Milky Mooper**  
Welcome to Hell

 **Mary**  
I hope only nice things haha

 **William**  
Actually, I’ve never heard John talk about you

 **Mary**  
That’s fair, I guess, he is in Afghanistan

 **William**  
well I still talk to him all the time

 **Mary**  
Funny, he’s never mentioned a William

 **William**  
you probably know me by my real name: Sherlock Holmes

 **Anthea**  
ur real name? u mean ur fake name??

it seems like everyone here is a little too familiar with fake names, am i right, mary?

 **William**  
jesus I forgot u were even here

 **Anthea**  
sup, bitch

 **Mary**  
Who’s Sherlock Holmes?

 **The Devil**  
see? that does happen

 

_THU 3:58 PM_

**John**  
guys wtf

im so sorry mary

 **The Devil**  
why are u apologising to mary

sherlock’s the one who got destroyed

 **Mary**  
Haha it's okay

I kinda like him

 **The Devil**  
who? john?

 **Mary**  
No, idiot

Sherlock

 **John**  
i’d understand if you liked me though

i mean, whats not to like ;)

 **William**  
u think that sounds sexy but it really doesn't

 **Mary**  
It’s a little bit sexy

 **William**  
as someone who knows the ins and outs of John Watson, i can safely say he can be much sexier than that

 **Geeg**  
Woah

 **The Devil**  
how would you know?

 **John**  
umm???

 **Geeg**  
You guys wanna take this to a private chat?

 **John**  
take what?

 **William**  
clearly none of you are following

and haven’t been for the last 2 fucking years

 **Milky Mooper**  
Aren't following what?!

 **The Devil**  
their love story

 **Daddy**  
Oh, boy.

 **Geeg**  
Their fucking what now

 **John**  
are you

are you kidding me

wait seriously

TWO FUCKING YEARS

 **Mary**  
Ha ha, this sounds like a private squad thing, so...

_Mary Morstan has left the group_


	11. im not jesus but im still pretty good

_SUN 2:00 PM_

**clever boy**  
Happy Christmas!

did santa bring you what you wished for?

 **posh boy**  
no.

unless you're currently waiting outside my parent’s house all done up in a bow

 **clever boy**  
sorry love, you know i hate to disappoint you

how's christmas with the fam going

 **posh boy**  
let me sum up the event

“listen, buttface, i will stab you if you don't let Uncle Myc watch his favourite movie!” - adelia to cedric

“i’m in agony.” - mycroft

“holmes killing holmes. it really is christmas.” - eurus

“you know what makes a fun christmas, eurus? my children /not/ stabbing each other.” - sherrinford

 **clever boy**  
its christmas. is it that hard for your family to be nice to each other

 **posh boy**  
well, no.

you know who it is hard to be nice to?

karen.

with her gluten free granola and beige capris

 **clever boy**  
fucken karen and her mummy blog

 **posh boy**  
who would've thought my already-boring brother could find an even-more-boring wife

 **clever boy**  
i hate karen as much as the next guy, but to be fair, you think everyone is boring

 **posh boy**  
not you.

 **clever boy**  
the highest compliment on the sherlock holmes scale

 **posh boy**  
exactly

 **clever boy**  
I love you

 **posh boy**  
on that note,

we need to find some better friends

 **clever boy**  
LEGIT

are they actually just stupid or have i been fucking hallucinating our entire relationship for the last two fucking years

 **posh boy**  
when ur here, I touch ur butt daily

I always kiss you goodbye

 **clever boy**  
...on the cheek

 **posh boy**  
don’t u try to pin this on ME

you're the one who calls me ““mate””

 **clever boy**  
why is everything always my fault

i also call you my boyfriend

 **posh boy**  
no, it's okay, it's a joint problem

clearly we act too straight

 **clever boy**  
you? straight?

 **posh boy**  
don't. be. fucking. rude.

but rly, our friends are just idiots

we got married on facebook for fucks sake

 **clever boy**  
friends do that all the time

 **posh boy**  
pre-teen girls do that, john

 **clever boy**  
thinking back, the kisses and butt touching started years ago

i suppose nothing really changed when we got together

 **posh boy**  
shit u right

...as usual

 **clever boy**  
my word!!

two compliments in one day!!!!

it must be my birthday!!

 **posh boy**  
unless you’re actually Jesus fucking Christ,,

 **clever boy**  
im not jesus but im still pretty good

 **posh boy**  
I’m inclined to agree

but wtf

 **clever boy**  
so hows your dads veggie patch going?

could you pop out and take a pic of it for me

 **posh boy**  
even if I believed that you actually cared about my father's gardening skills,

it's fucking snowing

they're dead

 **clever boy**  
oh i miss the snow

can you take a pic of that!!

 **posh boy**  
well now you're making me feel guilty

 **clever boy**  
then just come outside

 **posh boy**  
I /just/ sat down for lunch

mummy is glaring at me for being on my phone

I'm trapped between two screaming toddlers

I can't get up now

give me half an hour

 **clever boy**  
guess i'll die then

 **posh boy**  
it's just snow

you've seen snow before

 **clever boy**  
youre bloody right i’ve seen snow

im covered in it

i’d forgotten how cold england is this time of year

 **posh boy**  
are you

no

you did n o t

 **clever boy**  
will you come outside now?


	12. my family is in shambles

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise bitch, bet you thought you'd seen the last of me
> 
> ...seriously, we're not entirely sure how this much time managed to get away from us without an update (other than me, khameleoneight, becoming thoroughly disillusioned with Sherlock after the mess of S4) but we're back in action and hopefully here to entertain!

_WED 10:05 AM_

**Milky Mooper**  
Did everyone have a good Christmas!!

 **Geeg**  
Yeah, it was nice to catch up with family

What did you get up to?

 **The Devil**  
christmas is a hard time for me...

my mother died on christmas

 **Geeg**  
I’m so sorry, I didn't know

It wasnt this Christmas, was it?

 **The Devil**  
no… it was a long time ago...

...before I was born

 **Geeg**  
Oh I’m sorry, that's awful

 **The Devil**  
yeah… it really ruins the holiday spirit

 **Milky Mooper**  
That would be terrible

But, uhhh

 **The Devil**  
yes?

...have something to say about my family tragedy?

 **Milky Mooper**  
Your dead mum,

 **Geeg**  
MOLLY!

 **Milky Mooper**  
Would that be the same mum that I have on Facebook?

 **The Devil**  
I never pegged you as a homophobe, molly hooper

maybe I have two mothers

you don't know me

 **Daddy**  
Since everyone but myself failed to notice, I find it necessary to mention:

“Before I was born” ?

 **The Devil**  
YES

 **Geeg**  
Wait,

 **The Devil**  
no further questions please

my family is in shambles

...it was already hard enough without all this criticism

 **Geeg**  
Living up to your username, I see

I can't believe I fell for that

 **The Devil**  
yeah, I cant believe you did either

my mother is happy and well and always keen for christmas

 **Milky Mooper**  
How did such a nice lady create such an evil man.

 **Geeg**  
I hope John had a safe Christmas

Has anyone heard from him?

 **Daddy**  
Nothing on John.

Nothing on Sherlock, either.

We haven't seen him since he ran out of the house during Christmas lunch.

 **Geeg**  
Bloody hell! What happened?

 **Daddy**  
Seemingly nothing. Never fear, he always returns, eventually.

 **Milky Mooper**  
,,why are you like this


End file.
